


An Overly Helpful Guide To Sleeping, by Karkat Vantas

by ghosty



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, Slightly Dysfunctional, Tired College Students
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-22
Updated: 2011-08-22
Packaged: 2017-10-22 23:23:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/243698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghosty/pseuds/ghosty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was about 2:52 a.m. when Karkat Vantas finally snapped.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Overly Helpful Guide To Sleeping, by Karkat Vantas

**Author's Note:**

> God let's talk about how 8/22 will always be the greatest update in history.

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT ARE YOU HAVING A STROKE OR WHAT?"

 

It was about 2:52 a.m. when Karkat Vantas finally snapped.

 

"Fuck off, I can't sleep...!"

"Are you literally reverting to the sleeping habits of a fucking infant, do you need to be breast-fed and coddled and SWADDLED. Let me get my fucking baby monitor so I can actually GET SOME SLEEP on the COUCH. OW, FUCK."

 

It was about 2:53 a.m when Jade Harley finally snapped.

 

A surprisingly powerful fist connected with Karkat's head, making the dark room swirl with colors that weren't supposed to be there. Several more poignant oaths left his mouth, but they dulled off and he just managed to catch Jade burying her head in a very upset-looking manner into her pillow.

God, why the fuck did your dorm ceiling have to cave in. With the water. Why. This was unquestionably the worst fucking thing to ever have happened.

But... it wasn't really... _that_ bad...

Karkat visibly grimaced because god help him if he hadn't put ever fiber of his being into making those bitter thoughts appear whenever anything bad happened, and god help him if some tiny, pussy-ass voice always chimed in OPTIMISTICALLY and UNWELCOMELY. Dude, what happened to being tough? No clue, man. No clue.

See, okay, Eridan is crazy. That's where this started, with the fucking crazy hipster and his REALLY bright notions. It was absolutely grand that he lusted after Feferi like a dog in heat and she had no clue. So, he and her have their whole water shit obsession, right. Feferi is like, heehee, wow, we should like, definitely bring in a kiddie pool in your dorm! It'll be really fun! And exciting! Right Eridan?!

Absofuckinglutely, says Eridan, and blows a load in his pants for the eighth time that day.

Karkat doesn't know about this, though, he is just minding his own fucking business and studying really hard for his English midterms, because that is the kind of tool he is. He bitches at everyone and seems like a cat who is constantly drenched in water and piss, but being completely honest, this is a ruse! Trickery! He won't admit it. Do not bother bringing it up with him, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

But God has a sense of humour. That's important. Because it just so happens that the ceiling was not remodeled with the rest of the dorms; due to construction error, forms were put here, put there, and it was said that this part of the building did not in fact have any rot at all and was perfectly well for some reason. Discrepancy? Who cares, shit is cheap and that's what matters! Drinks all around!

Alternia University saves several thousand dollars and nothing is said of room 609 ever again.

Then there is crackling and breaking and screaming and the gushing, powerful splash of water is heard and thumps and Karkat walks out of kitchen and calmly bellows at the top of his lungs, "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK." His eyes are wide and he is hopping and hissing like a cat and throwing his hands around like an angry monster.

Karkat Vantas was then the owner of a brand new kiddie pool, and Feferi and Eridan looked very upset.

"I never ever have this problem..." Jade says wistfully and Karkat wakes up again from his half-dream-memory-thing. She's sitting up in bed now, and from the dim light of the alarm clock he can see her sleepy eyes and how messy her hair is from all of her tossing and turning and how frumpy her old t-shirt is. Jade is pressing her small palm to her face, frowning slightly, and runs her hand through her hair while she stares at him like a sad puppy, tacking on an apologetic, "I used to have really bad narcolepsy that just sort of... stopped... but now I'm worried it just reversed or something crazy like that! My mind is just spinning and I can't get even a little comfortable and..."

She trails off because she's noticed something and her eyes go wide and she quickly waves her hands.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean that like as a 'damn Karkat is terrible to sleep with', I- oh fuck, God, this isn't... uuggghhh... I am trying to say that I do not mind sharing my bed with you, it's completely okay, really, I just can't sleep for some reason tonight! And I'm really sorry that it's disrupting you, I know you have your test in the morning."

"Look, stupid, it's okay. It's fine."

His voice came out so softly it surprised him and her, and she blinked really cutely and gave a vague smile and he felt his face get warm. This was probably because she kept her house at like 80 degrees and only had the fan on in the room, and not because of anything else.

He felt... kind of... bad for her, he guessed. Like, a little though, and it was just pity, not anything remotely kind at all. Jade was really friendly to him. She kind of had a knack for making sure he kept his shit in line and they studied together some times (kept under secrecy by pain of death) ("I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I HAVE TO, NOT BECAUSE I FUCKING WANT TO." "Hehehe, then why did you ask me in the first place?" "FUCK YOU.") and Jade was just... really... you know... nice.

Like, she didn't have to let him stay here. He could've gone somewhere else, he could have marched fucking right into Egbert's apartment like nobody's business but the fucking prick would have given him so much shit about it ("WOW, REALLY? A kiddie pool?! Hahaha, gosh you look really mad, that sucks a lot!") and plus he was roommates with fucking Serket of all people (how does ANYONE put up with that bitch), and Gamzee, just, no, the place reeked of salvia and pot and spice and god knows what else, so. Kanaya would have been a good option, if she hadn't been in fucking New York for whatever reason.

Jade though. Jade would be gracious and concerned and nice.

So when the RA said he'd need somewhere else to go for the next several days while they worked out a new temp room for him and tried recovering his possessions from the wrathful kiddie pool god, he very quietly stalked off to a corner and pulled out his cell phone, sifting through his phone book to the Js and pressing it to his ear. He really hated being on the phone, especially in front of other people, and he glared immaturely at some freshmen walking by.

"Stupid fuckas--"

"Hello?"

"--sss-Harley."

"Karkat! Hi! How are you?!"

"Really fucking good. Can I--"

"OH NOOO, what happened!"

"Shark Boy and Lava Girl were having a pool party above my fucking room and the wrathful kiddie pool god decided to grace me with their mildew-stricken prescence."

"WHAT?"

"The whole fucking ceiling caved in and I need somewhere to stay for like. Um. A couple days."

"Oh my god I am so sorry, I am so so sorry, of course you can stay with me! Don't you worry, okay?! I will be there in like ten minutes just let me put pants on-- erm-- yeah okay bye!"

Karkat didn't blush at all, no, no, that was not a thing, a thing that he did. At all. No.

Jade was there in four minutes flat and hugged him really tightly. Her brow knit with the utmost concern and she touched his face and his hair and his shoulders, asking incessantly if he was okay and offering reassuring smiles. Her hair was damp and smelled like pumpkin spice, and she was way too fucking helpful about everything and it pissed him off. He hated that about Jade, her and her nosy helpfulness. Let me help you with your shit, Karkat! Come stay at my place, Karkat! Let me make you a huge dinner, Karkat! Come here and nurse from my ever-lactating generosity teat, Karkat!

W-wait.

Um, anyway, he doesn't think about her breasts and gets to her place and it's crammed full of shit as usual, even the couch, and he literally has nowhere to put anything and she gets SO embarrassed but plays it off pretty smoothly. No big deal okay my house has a lot of family heirlooms. It's not DIRTY, just cluttered. And it wasn't endearing, at all. Even the pictures on all the walls of all their friends. Even the one of him and her at Orientation where she had her arms around his shoulders and she was smiling like nothing could ever be bad in the world and he was smiling, too, but only a _really fucking little bit_. He can acutely remember how happy she was that they had class together and he replied with, "Fuckass, it's not exactly a huge school, what is your deal?" He acutely remembers her then looking flustered and kind of upset at his assholery, and how he spit out with no flusteredness whatsoever, "It'll be fun, or something, I guess, though."

Then someone came by with a fancy camera and took the picture.

Karkat feels a weird, muddled smile creeping up on his lips and he quickly hits himself in the face and frowns aggressively.

"Karkat?" Jade's voice floats into the living room from her bedroom.

"WHAT?" He snaps unneccessarily. It is written all over his face, he is a kid caught in the act (who the fuck would consider "happiness" as being caught in the act? Karkat Vantas.) but thankfully not quite.

"Uhm, so, I kind of have a conundrum of sorts..."

"GOD. What is it!" Women.

"Youuuu are going to be sleeping in my bed." She walked out of her room as she said it, polishing her glasses and giving him this queasy half-smile that shows off her rabbit teeth and he wants to throw up because his stomach just twisted in this really WRONG way. "Like, I have a sleeping bag or ten laying around, so I can just take the floor, er, somewhere, and--"

Is she SERIOUS?

"Are you fucking CRAZY, why the fuck would you be sleeping on the floor and not me?!"

"You're the one with midterms tomorrow, mine aren't until next week!"

"Holy shit you are as stupid as you look." He saw her eyes visibly narrow at the comment and her brow furrowed and he hurried to distract her from his thoughtless comment so quickly that went on without even registering the words coming out of his mouth: "Shut up don't go digging through all your shit, you have a gigantic bed we can just share, dumbass."

Jade bites her lip thoughtfully, but then nods and she's all sunshine again.

"Okay! I'm okay with it if you are!"

" _Obviously_ I am."

"Yay! Well I am feeling pretty hungry, so I think I'm going to make some delicious grub. D'you like grilled cheeses?"

Her smile is big and bright and Karkat barks out a yeah sure whatever and storms off to go splash water on his face.

 

Jade Harley looks so tired and Karkat has a test in six hours. He's barely slept.

"I think I'm going to just... go find that sleeping bag... I feel so bad I know you have that test and--"

"I CANNOT take your WHINING any more, GODDAMN, HERE. JUST. STAY PUT. OKAY?"

He has to do this before he registers that he's doing it. That's how it works. Anytime something scary is about to happen, he CANNOT and absolutely MUST NOT think about it or else he will die of anxiety and panic. Life is all about pulling off bandaids reaaaal fast, so he scoots over in the bed and Jade doesn't question it because she's a trustworthy fool, and when he wraps his arms around her completely platonically and pulls her over and smells pumpkin spice and feels how cool her skin is compared to his, a raging furnace, he goes completely blank but feels melting marshmallows in his chest and stomach and he wants to die.

He's sure the reason behind her not even bothering to blurt out a totally normal "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" or "KARKAT WHAT THE FUCK", and instead to just obey and not say a word is because she's sleepy, and even though he was intending on making her lay down, she really fucking unexpectedly leans her head on his shoulder. For a second he forgets to breathe and nearly explodes, but bravery says, good job! And gives him a star. So Karkat's heart palpitates and his breathing gets really funny and he proceeds.

One hand brushes her hair out of the way awkwardly (it was really soft.) and then he swallows thickly. His mouth seems too dry to work.

"Ssshhhhhhh..."

Pap. Pap. Pap. His hand gently touches her cheek and rests there, then touches her jawline, the crook of her neck. She doesn't say a word, but he felt her mouth pull up into a honey-coated, gushing smile.

"Sssshshssshoooshshshshhoooosh... shshshoosshhhhooo..."

He rocks back and forth very slowly and prays desperately that she cannot hear the 808 drum that is currently his obnoxious heartrate. He does not pay any attention to the carousel in the pit of his stomach and how her weight is perfect, how her skin is incredibly smooth and silky and he ignores the desire to press his own face to hers in a really stupid, childlike way. He compromises, though, and very subtly rests his chin on the top of her head.

"Ssshshooshshssoooohssshhh..." Pap. Pap. Pap. Pap. "Ssshhshshshhooo..."

His fingertips drift on the apple of her cheek, and Karkat pets Jade Harley to sleep for the next fifteen minutes with a very stupid smile on his face.

Time passes very, very slowly, and he doesn't even notice it. By the time he can hear her soft, shallow, even breaths that signify her loss of consciousness, the endless fifteen minutes seems like it had only been half a second, and his head is swirling dizzily.

"Jade?"

He kept his voice at the quietest whisper possible (it was very difficult) and she didn't stir. Okay.

It was a huge pain in the ass, but he gingerly ~~reluctantly~~ managed to remove her from him and lay her down in a somewhat normal position on her side of the California King bed. She was totally knocked out. Karkat laid down beside her and frowned deeply.

He continued not thinking about anything at all except the comforting smell of pumpkin that he could not get away from and the absence of her leaning on his anatomy, and he deliberated, and choked up a little bit, and bit his lip hard, and finally, he papped her face one more time for good measure. To make sure she was really asleep. And not at all because he liked touching her.

"Night, Harley."

She didn't reply.

But her arm shifted, and before he could react, her hand was on top of his and she had this subtle twitch of her mouth that almost meant smiling, but there was no way. No way. Because she was asleep. Soundly. Asleep.

Karkat Vantas leaves his hand on her cheek, and forgets all about kiddie pools and midterms. Karkat Vantas dreams of Jade Harley.

Not that he'd ever admit it, of course.


End file.
